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Ethical Details: Pima Tee - Everlane; Coat - thrifted; Pants - vintage Pendleton; Boots - thrifted

I wore this on the fateful day that led me to shutter my Instagram account 4 days later.

I've been thinking a lot about that day, about the conversations that weren't completed, the ones that were stunted by the involvement of people who thought I was asking too much by asking for humanity, the ways I overreacted and misstepped.

Long story short, there were a series of altercations borne from a series of misunderstandings. I was targeted as an object of a social justice exercise instead of as a complicated human being. And some of this is on me, because I didn't contextualize my own stance properly in the first place, but a lot of it comes down to the fact that strangers have to take special precautions when "getting into it" on the internet. Had I been prepared for controversy, I think I could have maintained the level of neutrality necessary to yield a different, and better, result.

But instead I was scared. Scared out of my mind. I relapsed into the trauma response - hyperventilating and panic attacks - that came on after the Nazis came to town in August 2017. And I couldn't shake them as long as I knew I was vulnerable to an unseen angry person on the other side of a screen.

Let me be clear that I believe that trauma existed on the other side, too. And the collective trauma response did what it is meant to do: circle the wagons and keep us alive. But I don't think it is possible to do really good community-building in the context of fight-or-flight. And I still ache and rage and fear. I wish something had gone differently.

I don't buy the argument that we should push people out of our lives. In almost all cases, reconciliation is possible. In this case, I don't know how to take a step forward without reinitiating my own physiological response. And so I sit with it. And I'm hoping someday it will feel less terrible.